Well Then

I said I was going to write more, but I didn't. I do that a lot, say things then not do them. These days I just don't have as much time for the interwebs as I used to.

I've got some issues. I'm not sure where the base lies, because I haven't taken the time to pick things over as well as normal. I have been sleeping a LOT. I don't know if that's because I am depressed, or if I'm depressed because I'm sleeping so much. Most of my awake time is at night, in the dark. I miss the sun.

I hate being on midnights, and I hate being on midnights with all the other staff being there. It's slow, and boring, and there's more than a few people I dislike. Plus, all the team leads are there. Mind you, we only have 4 left, and they don't really do much... Too many people(team leads included) are simply using midnights as a play time. We're going to end up losing the contract, I can see it coming. And while I hate my job, I hate change even more.

Speaking of change, things have been changing quite a bit. I quit the forum I've belonged to for umpteen million years because I found out that quite a few people there dislike me. They think I intentionally start fights, or drama, and that I'm self absorbed and self pitying. I just can't handle the levels of hatred that radiate from their posts. The ones worth talking to have my msn address.

Well this has just turned into just a big bitch fest. I always promised myself that my blog would not become my online diary, but it has. I should probably break out the old fashioned pen and paper and use that for my emotional outbursts and find a way to make this blog more entertaining. Though, only kaity reads it.

My Shades of Grey

A snowflake.
A shining diamond in the moonlight,
glittering as it comes.
Dancing delicately,
a ballerina,
a tender droplet of water.

Each one an individual,
crafted by God.
Always beautiful,
a shining diamond in the streetlight,
hovering over the traffic
before touching down and becoming sullied.

I am that snowflake.
Once pristine, once an individual,
before touching down,
becoming one of the masses.
Life has coloured me a
shade of grey.

I want to be a snowflake again.
I long to become untouched, pristine,
tired of this coat of grime that clings.
It's been too long,
I tire easily.
It is easier to remain.

I watch as more fall,
more become like me.
No one is safe, no one
remains clean.
Can you handle the changes?
Will your life last?

And when the sun comes,
we are all touched.
We all melt away,
becoming nothing.
A puddle. A waterstain.
A blip in the cycle of life.

Another Late Night in a Pitch Black Room

And the time ticks slowly by,
nothing more than a nuisance,
only punctuating that I am alone.
Thoughts float through my mind,
heedless of the darkness that I peer through.
Ever alone.
Reckless hearts beat in
lonely times; still more
animal than human.
Time is not my friend, an unwelcome
enemy that resounds in my life as
noise; an echoing tick that
inevitably will drive me insane.
Going it alone was never supposed to be easy,
hardly meant to be a
torture, though.
Insanity walks hand in hand with me.
Nary a footstep made, never a forward motion.
Aborted by my life,
People do not see me, people do not notice.
I feel weaker and weaker,
taking solace now in the darkness,
chances taken, but never coming to fruit.
Helplessly watching as my life spins,
battling myself and society as well.
Life does not want me, I think,
and I wish for death.
Chances are I would not be missed,
keeping me here prolongs my agony.
Reaching for help at every chance,
only to have my hand smacked down.
Only to be turned away again.
My life is solace in a pitch black room.