Sneaky Post Is Sneaky

I promised myself I'd post every day, but I totally forgot to post today, as I was getting things ready to donate, and doing my taxes and cleaning my bunny cages. Totally my bad, but I really did want to post... So this is sneaky post, trying to write something worth reading in 19 minutes, but I never know what to write in the best of times, so I'm just going to write some fiction that I've had floating in my head for a while now.

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He lifted his head, nostrils gently scenting the air as his ears flicked about, searching for any danger. As he moved, a few mares in his band looked up as well. They followed his lead, knowing he was alert to all dangers. After a few moments, he huffed softly and lowered his head once more, lips and teeth working on the tasteless brown grass. He was hopeful that the spring would come soon, though with spring came the added stress of his mares foaling, and him having to slow his pace to allow the long legged foals to keep up. You had to give if you wanted to take, and though he couldn't think in those words, if he could have, he would.

The stallion was a beautiful stud, free and untouched by man. His life had started on these plains, and would end on these plains. His rich brown pelt was marred only by the scars of his battles; his ebony mane and tail brushed only by the trees and scrub. He had seen humans before, but would never allow them to capture him. Instinctively he knew that were they to capture him, he would become a slave to them, like the beasts that they sat upon.

The first time he had seen a horse ridden, he had screamed, calling to the creature to join him, offering his assistance. The horse had not responded, it simply carried on as it had before. The stallion had been little more than a colt, but his fear of men had started at that point, for the horse seemed broken, both in mind and spirit. It had taken a long time for the colt to realize that the scent of man was not as foreboding as the scent of a wolf or bear, and an even longer time for him to become willing to approach the farms that stood at the edge of the Ghost Forest which he called home.

Eventually he had become courageous enough, daring enough to approach those farms, and finally become bold enough to leap gracefully over the fences which kept him from the mares within. Several of his band was marked with brands, or bore a remaining shoe or scar which told of their recent domestication. Sometimes the females wouldn't follow him, despite his bugling and pleading, but more often than not, the mares were as eager as he to leap the fence and follow him into the forest.

He did not know it, but the locals called the bay stallion Turpin, after a famous British thief, and they intended to capture him and his band, to reclaim the mares he had stolen.

How Much Stuff Does One Person Need?

Well, my local humane society is holding a thrift sale this weekend, and I'm gathering up items to donate, and I realize that I've accumulated a whole bunch of junk in my lifetime. For every book I find to donate, I find two more that need recycling. Every item in good enough condition to donate is matched with something else that needs tossing. In 28 years, I've gathered enough books to open a small library, and the saddest thing is, I probably haven't even read half of them.

All things considered, I'm glad that I'm able to get rid of some of this stuff, both because I'm able to help the humane society raise funds, and because I'm able to clear it out of my house. A lot of items were simply collecting dust, that I had no use for, but couldn't be bothered to get rid of. I can see how easily hoarders get started, because even if it is only items, they're my items that I paid money for. On the other hand, I hate having all this crap laying around my house, collecting dust and taking up space.

Really, no matter how you slice it, stuff takes over our lives, if we let it, for whatever reason. I've been watching a lot of Hoarders lately, and it's given me a new-found respect for my space, and my items. I couldn't imagine living in a home like that, and I couldn't imagine letting items take over my life, however it can creep up on you until you're overwhelmed and don't know what to do with it.

Hopefully the thrift sale goes well for the humane society, and I can keep up with cleaning out my house of useful items that aren't being used.

Day 2 : Already Nothing To Write About

So I'm sitting here, staring at a blank box in which to pour my opinions on the big topics, and I realize, I've got nothing to say.

No idea what to write about. Might make me sound a little shallow, but it's true. I cannot come up with anything particularly inventive, or interesting to read. I don't know enough about current events to post a properly based opinion on one. No one wants to hear me whine about my life, or hear anything else about my pets. In short, I've got nothing.

So off to google I waddle, and search in plain terms - "I need a topic." I get a bunch of junk, one site that's a PAY service for people writing blogs(seriously, they wanted a dollar a day to give me topic ideas!), a bunch of topics suitable for school kids that aren't applicable to a 28 year old unemployed user. I channel surfed, hoping to find something there, went on facebook, even resorted to asking people on msn. I came up with nothing.

Isn't it funny how easy it is to talk with a person, to come up with topics there, but when faced with writing a blog, be unable to find even the smallest bit of inspiration? Maybe it's because I know what my friends want to talk about, I know how to carry on a conversation, it's easy to feed on other people. When it comes to blogging, you want to find a topic people are going to find interesting, that they're going to want to read, rather than taking a glance and wandering away. My tastes are so eclectic, and I have no real topic for this blog, so that it makes it nearly impossible to write, especially with any regularity.

So I fall back and think of the blogs I like to read. Maybe I can rip one of those off, steal their ideas and get me some readers that way...

Fugly Horse Of The Day - a snarky review of horses and the horse world. I don't know enough about horses to straight up steal their idea, I hated what the blog eventually became, got bored with the 2nd replacement writer, and am actually kind of enjoying the newest writers. I can't be as snarky as they are, while I can be a total bitch, I just don't have it in me to ream specific people out. I also don't have the connections to make it truly interesting.

Hyperbole and a Half - I've talked about this blog before... It's just simply hilarious. I can't really put a finger on what her topic is, but she writes some of the funniest shit I've read in a long time. I'm not funny enough to try and steal her readers, though I am anxiously awaiting a new post, and the publishing of her book. I advise reading it.

Venom, Secrets & Lies - Another great, funny blog. It's already been established that I am neither funny enough, nor exciting enough to pull this blog style off. I envy people who can just write funny crap, and have everyone love it.

Regretsy - This one makes fun of bad crafts, bad ebay listings, and people who get offended by their postings. I quite enjoy reading it, but don't like how snarky the comments can get. There are parts I like and dislike about this, but again, I am unable to be bitchy enough to pull a blog like this off.

There's a few other smaller blogs that I read, but none that I'd really recommend. The rest are either very specific audiences, or not all that interesting but I feel the need to keep reading in hopes it gets better.

Anyway, there's my topic on not having a topic. I'll have to think of something, come up with a topic for the blog, or some form of posting schedule. I've gotta get things sorted if I intend to continue writing.

Has It Really Been That Long??

Almost a year since I posted here. I don't know why I stopped posting, but one of my resolutions was going to be to post more. This I shall do, or at least try. Who knows, I'll probably stop posting after a few posts and ignore it again. No one reads this shit anyway.

First and foremost, I want to have a bit of a whine. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing with my life. I haven't been this depressed in a while. I feel lost and unloved. I'm having trouble sleeping, trouble getting up to do things, trouble basically doing anything. I gained back all the weight I lost, and then some. The only bright spot in my black hole of an existence is my dog, and I"m not sure if he respects me. I'm having a hard time finding any value in myself, and it shows. The course I want to take at college won't be paid for by the government, and I don't have the funds to move, and even if I get the max the government will give, I won't be able to take a course and move and be able to survive. I feel like I should just start walking and keep going til I drop dead.

But I'm not going to. I'm going to continue to try and buck up, and find a reason to get up in the morning. I'm going to keep trying to force my body into a normal sleep pattern, find a job, and make a life for myself. Maybe I'll continue living a menial existence, perhaps I'm never destined for greatness, but everyone is entitled to happiness, I just have to find mine.

Well Then

I said I was going to write more, but I didn't. I do that a lot, say things then not do them. These days I just don't have as much time for the interwebs as I used to.

I've got some issues. I'm not sure where the base lies, because I haven't taken the time to pick things over as well as normal. I have been sleeping a LOT. I don't know if that's because I am depressed, or if I'm depressed because I'm sleeping so much. Most of my awake time is at night, in the dark. I miss the sun.

I hate being on midnights, and I hate being on midnights with all the other staff being there. It's slow, and boring, and there's more than a few people I dislike. Plus, all the team leads are there. Mind you, we only have 4 left, and they don't really do much... Too many people(team leads included) are simply using midnights as a play time. We're going to end up losing the contract, I can see it coming. And while I hate my job, I hate change even more.

Speaking of change, things have been changing quite a bit. I quit the forum I've belonged to for umpteen million years because I found out that quite a few people there dislike me. They think I intentionally start fights, or drama, and that I'm self absorbed and self pitying. I just can't handle the levels of hatred that radiate from their posts. The ones worth talking to have my msn address.

Well this has just turned into just a big bitch fest. I always promised myself that my blog would not become my online diary, but it has. I should probably break out the old fashioned pen and paper and use that for my emotional outbursts and find a way to make this blog more entertaining. Though, only kaity reads it.

My Shades of Grey

A snowflake.
A shining diamond in the moonlight,
glittering as it comes.
Dancing delicately,
a ballerina,
a tender droplet of water.

Each one an individual,
crafted by God.
Always beautiful,
a shining diamond in the streetlight,
hovering over the traffic
before touching down and becoming sullied.

I am that snowflake.
Once pristine, once an individual,
before touching down,
becoming one of the masses.
Life has coloured me a
shade of grey.

I want to be a snowflake again.
I long to become untouched, pristine,
tired of this coat of grime that clings.
It's been too long,
I tire easily.
It is easier to remain.

I watch as more fall,
more become like me.
No one is safe, no one
remains clean.
Can you handle the changes?
Will your life last?

And when the sun comes,
we are all touched.
We all melt away,
becoming nothing.
A puddle. A waterstain.
A blip in the cycle of life.

Another Late Night in a Pitch Black Room

And the time ticks slowly by,
nothing more than a nuisance,
only punctuating that I am alone.
Thoughts float through my mind,
heedless of the darkness that I peer through.
Ever alone.
Reckless hearts beat in
lonely times; still more
animal than human.
Time is not my friend, an unwelcome
enemy that resounds in my life as
noise; an echoing tick that
inevitably will drive me insane.
Going it alone was never supposed to be easy,
hardly meant to be a
torture, though.
Insanity walks hand in hand with me.
Nary a footstep made, never a forward motion.
Aborted by my life,
People do not see me, people do not notice.
I feel weaker and weaker,
taking solace now in the darkness,
chances taken, but never coming to fruit.
Helplessly watching as my life spins,
battling myself and society as well.
Life does not want me, I think,
and I wish for death.
Chances are I would not be missed,
keeping me here prolongs my agony.
Reaching for help at every chance,
only to have my hand smacked down.
Only to be turned away again.
My life is solace in a pitch black room.